Over the past five years (since January of 2007) — with the notable exception of the last three months — I've been faithfully posting a new journal entry just about every week, either on my UBBT blog, or on my "Martial Musings" blog. But to what end?
I look back over my stack of writings with some degree of satisfaction. There's actually a little bit of gold in them thar hills. I've been demonstrating, teaching, and leading by example. I've documented my struggles, my accomplishments, and my failures. Perhaps some of what I've posted may have helped or inspired someone, somewhere along the way.
But mostly, upon reflection — when I'm really honest with myself — I just see "me writing about me:" Me trying to prove something, me striving to get somewhere, me wanting recognition, me desiring someone's approval, me attempting to appear important, smart, savvy, masterful, disciplined…
And when my blogging started to become stale and routine, I started putting even more "stuff" out there in video format. Hey everyone! Look at me!
Who the hell am I fooling? It's all so much bullshit!
So over the last three months, I've been on a bit of a media break. I needed some time to reflect and refocus on important things like my family, my alignment with the rhythms and cycles of the natural world, and my connection to Spirit — for all of these have suffered tremendously in the towering shadow of my ego.
Of course, I've kept up with my teaching and training, I'm still watching my diet, and I'm still leading and participating in community service projects. All of those things have become part of me, thanks to Coach Tom and my UBBT teammates. But I've stopped writing and creating videos, and I've cut my time on social media way back. I've stopped trying to "be someone." Call it burnout. Call it a dark night of the soul. Maybe it's laziness, or exhaustion, or apathy. I suspect that there's some sorely needed personal growth going on beneath the surface of my life, but only time will tell.
Whatever it is I've been "doing," my time away from the keyboard and the webcam has allowed me to do some reflecting on my UBBT journey, on my role as a "master teacher," my true life aspirations and priorities, and on the place the martial arts has held in my heart and in my life.
You may be disappointed to read that after my three-month "media blackout," I still don't have anything important to say. But I have realized that the most important thing for me to do — for myself and for everyone in my life — is to just shut the hell up and become a student again. So I'll be leaving the blogging trail for a while to explore and to savor the chaotic wilderness that is my daily life, with humility, awareness, and curiosity. I'm dropping my tangible goals to focus on process. I'm slowing down to experience and to feel. I'm not seeking the next shiny thing. And I'm no longer going to play for an audience.
I'm sure I'll fire up another blog somewhere down the road, but I'm considering this my final "UBBT" entry.
With much love and gratitude to all!